Doctor Who in Ten Easy Steps
by firekid44
Summary: The sequel to the aptly named 'Doctor Who in Nine Easy Steps', with more adventure, more romance, and much more nonsense!
1. Happy Xmas You're Being Invaded

Happy Xmas (You're Being Invaded)

Today's extraordinarily out-of-season Christmas episode begins in November with a terrifyingly delighted Casanova assaulting Rose. To be fair, he'd just been Christopher Eccleston and then exploded, so his joy is somewhat justified. Rose, however, can't get past the terrifying delight and tries to flee the TARDIS, but this doesn't work because Casanova's already kidnapped her and is trying to get off with her. She promptly rejects him, and he gets all stroppy and tries to crash the TARDIS.

This throws us forward to the actual episode, where we find Mickey-the-Idiot running into a wall for the third time in his life. He realises that this means the Doctor is on his way (it makes sense in context) and runs around shouting about aliens until Jackie slaps him. She's very good at that. The TARDIS comes flying out of nowhere and completely fails to crash, instead just hitting a bin and making an unimpressive clatter. Casanova emerges, seduces Jackie (talk to the hand, Mickey, you're not his type) before falling over hilariously. HILARIOUSLY!

Jackie puts Casanova in her bed (not quite what he was getting at, but close enough for now), then quickly gets bored and goes off to see if the Doctor Who Christmas Special is on TV. And if it had been then it would've been much easier to solve this whole invasion thing, but as it happened some semblance of normality remained in the Whoniverse and it wasn't. Silly Jackie.

However, TV offers SpiderHarriet, superhero from Flydale North, who has been promoted to Prime Minister SpiderHarriet, Prime Minister of the Prime Ministerial district of the who Prime Ministering country. Did I mention that she's Prime Minister? She is. She's telling everyone that she's put a Prime Minister's Choice space probe up in space (soon to be renamed 'Space, sponsored by Prime Minister SpiderHarriet', apparently) to do probing and other related innuendo. Little does she realise that space feels violated and decides to get revenge. Silly SpiderHarriet, Prime Minister.

Rose and Mickey find themselves out shopping, as no-one does on Christmas Eve because they should be better prepared. For this reason they're singled out by the extremely realistic robots dressed as Santa and wielding flamethrowers. Realistically. Just like Santa. Rose finally uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (ooh, it's Santa (I was a puppy! (wait, he's got a flamethrower (can I roast a marshmallow over it? (Oww! Fire hot!))))) and kicks a Christmas tree in frustration (she really wanted that marshmallow). The tree falls over, causing widespread chaos and getting Mickey arrested (because he isn't allowed a good day), while the Santa gang inconspicuously teleports into the sky.

Back at the old Tyler place (I still love saying that), a completely-innocent-and-not-at-all-deadly-Christmas-tree has appeared in the flat (as such trees are prone to) and started being deadly. Jackie is very annoyed, because she was deceived by the name and was looking forward to spending time with Casanova. Rose and Mickey come back in time to feed the tree a chair before Casanova himself wakes up and ruins things by seducing the tree. The tree can't commit to a mixed-race relationship and explodes in defiance. Silly tree.

Casanova, meanwhile, is throwing up 'time-stuff' all over the nice clean floor, so he's sent back to bed without his tea. The rest of the gang sit down to watch TV again, which shows us an alien (unfortunately not a Martian, because that would mean bringing back the awesomeness that is the Ice Warriors. But no, we get _Sycorax_) who shouts about something. But we don't know what, because that makes it more mysterious. Whoo...

SpiderHarriet, Prime Minister, is out using her amazing Spider powers to sneak into heavily armed places, like Torchwood (this place is getting popular. Remember it.). She meets all kinds of extremely important, exciting people who will mostly be dying within the next half hour. Torchwood use their incredible technology of alien origin to decipher the Sycorax message ("they say they want to borrow half a pound of butter. Can we do that?"). As it turns out there's no spare butter anywhere on the planet, which annoys the Sycorax a bit, so they decide to kill everyone using superior powers of mind control. And that's terrible.

SpiderHarriet uses her amazing Spider powers to break into Buckingham Palace and take over as Queen (it's essentially the same as Johnny English, but she's not French) just in time to give the Queen's speech, which this year will be given in the form of a rap. The Sycorax are displeased by the break from tradition and quickly teleport her onto their spaceship, along with a group of people from Torchwood to kill (told you so).

The Tyler Team have spent this time out for a picnic, except for Casanova who is still asleep and dreaming of his future conquests (Rose... Martha... anyone else I find... not Donna, she's very against that stuff...). The Sycorax feel left out (they have short attention spans and they're bored with SpiderHarriet by now), so they teleport Rose, Mickey and Casanova on board too. But not Jackie, because they're not fans of her.

Rose shouts at the Sycorax for a bit, but it's no more effective than when she shouted at the Reapers all those episodes ago, so they kill one of the Torchwood guys just to teach her a lesson. Casanova wakes up at this point, has a cup of tea, and then proceeds to completely destroy the Sycorax leader with his supreme skill in swordplay styles (and an orange) before deciding that 'supreme skill in swordplay styles' is too long to use on a regular basis, and it's never mentioned again. He keeps the orange though.

And so all is well – the Sycorax are sent home with their tails between their legs, Casanova's ready to take on the universe (in his own special way, of course), Mickey's finally getting over his fear of walls, and Torchwood prove themselves to be utter bastards by blowing up the Sycorax and making snow.

And that's terrible.


	2. 1000 Gallifreyian Years II

1000 Gallifreyian Years II: March of the Man-Slut  
  
The exciting new series get off to a bang with... well, with Rose saying goodbye to everyone and then lugging all her stuff onto the TARDIS. Ok, but that leaves the way open for an exciting opening episode when Casanova takes Rose on an exciting trip, further than they've ever gone before, to... a hospital... Luckily we're saved from the tedium of Casanova's current seduction attempt ("Hey Rose, this grass smells like apple... but you smell better. You're better than apples _and_ grass!") by the reappearance of everyone's favourite dead bitchy trampoline (and I mean dead AND bitchy, not just really bitchy): welcome to the stage the Lady Cassandra... and her man-slut. Her creepy little man-slut.

Back on the surface, Casanova is still trying to seduce Rose ("Oh hey, there's a little shop. Not like my shop, which is bigger than average and not a shop. Yeah.") and she is still uninterested, if only because his chat-up lines are terrible. She escapes him by getting in the wrong lift and plunging to her doom while he goes upstairs. Silly Rose.

Casanova arrives upstairs and is greeted by a cat woman, which instantly arouses his suspicion because he thought that Catwoman was a fictional character. Then he gets distracted by the Face of Boe, who is not only an old friend but is probably more easily seduced (what with being Captain Jack and all. Not that we know that yet, obviously, but he's a time-traveller so it's fine).

Meanwhile we find that Rose survived her fall (don't worry, it's only a matter of time...) and has found herself in the completely conspicuous lair of Cassandra, which totally does not have a film of Cassandra's evil plots and lawfully neutral parties. Rose is understandably confused, seeing as the woman was last seen exploding in a shower of CGI, but she uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (she tried to kill me (and she listens to Britney Spears! (but we killed her (she's not dead (just like Jesus... (SHE MUST BE SPACE JESUS!))))) and decides to follow the man-sluts instructions ("Ok, sit in this Deadly Chair of Certain Doom and put on the Lethal Helmet of Instant Destruction... don't worry, they're just names") and promptly finds herself possessed by the trampoline. Silly Rose.

Roseline (get it? Rose/trampoline?) finally makes her way upstairs to find Casanova and the Face of Boe making out (well he's a giant face, that's about as far as they can go), but Casanova's quickly distracted by her arrival and drags her off to a secluded corner to seduce her... and does so quite successfully. Unfortunately their romance is interrupted by a giant frigging door which opens up and lets them into the Secret Cave of Secret Secrets – yep, turns out they're making Soylent Green in this place. And as we all know, Soylent Green is people! Casanova is shocked and slightly turned on by this, so Roseline uses the distraction to push him into a cell and shut the door, before promptly opening all of the cells and completely ruining her own trick. Silly Roseline.

This silly plan also means that the Soylent Greeners are roaming around with no-one to eat them, and that's bad for business, so Casanova gets out his sonic screwdriver (and yes, I mean the actual sonic screwdriver. Even he has priorities) and points it at Roseline, threatening to... well, screw her, presumably, if she doesn't split back into Rose and trampoline again. So she does, and promptly possesses Casanova (thus creating Casaline, which is somewhat inferior to both parties). Casaline proceeds to strut around, completely overacting until some Soylent Greeners break in ("EAT US!") and chase Casaline and Rose away.

Rose uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (Soylent Green is people (Rosebud was his sled (Darth Vader is Luke's father))) and decides that Casanova would be more use without a trampoline in him. As soon as he's free of Casaline, Casanova turns around and quickly seduces the entire hoard of Soylent Greeners, then sends them off to enjoy their lives as a new species (well, it makes as much sense as RTD's ending). And so Casanova leaves with everything sorted...

Oh yeah, Roseline. So – take one Roseline and one creepy man-slut (remember? He hasn't done much but he's still there) and mix until you end up with Rose and a creepy little man-slut trampoline. Add one TARDIS and bring to the past at just under a 5,000,000,000 year boil. Remove the Rose and throw the resulting mixture at a woman at the party, who just so happens to be an untrampolinified version of Lady Cassandra, who promptly kills the creepy little man-slut version of her for being too creepy and man-slutty. And so Casanova leaves with everything sorted...

Oh yeah, the Captain "Face of Boe" Jack. Well, he was sick, but I suppose making out with the Doctor cured him or... something. Good times! And so Casanova leaves with everything sorted...

Oh yeah. He still hasn't successfully seduced Rose. Silly Casanova.


	3. Terror of the Timorous Beastie

Terror of the Timorous Beastie

Hoots, mon! The tale begins in bonnie Scotland, ya ken, where Casanova an' his wee lass ha' found themselves in th' wrong place yet again. "No, no, don't do that." ...ok.

Anyway, our dashing hero and his young wench find themselves captured by royal guards, who decide (much to Casanova's disappointment) to take them to see the queen instead of simply ravishing them immediately. Unfortunately the queen turns out to be Queen Vic Reeves, who was known for never being amused by ravaging, so Casanova finds himself out of luck. And along the failed seduction of the royal guard, he's too embarrassed to admit who he is and cleverly disguises himself ("Hi, I'm the Doc...Casa... Alias... Doctor Scottish Companion!"). And so Vic naturally takes him on as her protector. Silly queen.

The group travel on to the completely-innocent-and-not-at-all-sinister Torchwood Estate, which is full of completely-innocent-and-not-at-all-sinister monks (yeah, sure, they were beating up all the real servants earlier, and Mr. Torchwood is clearly suggesting that all is not well, and his wife is missing... but it's all good). Rose decides she's not part of the story yet, and uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (Torchwood is a funny name (I think it's an anagram... (it's Hot Cow Rod! (I MUST WARN THE DOCTOR!)))) and promptly writes it in her diary to remember for later. Then she's kidnapped and put in the basement with a creepy Scotsman.

Doctor Scottish Companion, meanwhile, is enjoying a meal with Vic and Mr. Torchwood, where they swap scary stories ("I once tried to seduce someone... and it turned out they _weren't interested_!") until Mr. Torchwood gets a turn and tells them all about his pet dog. Which is a wolf. And also not a pet. The completely-innocent-and-not-at-all-sinister monk is unimpressed and gets into a slap fight with Vic, but it turns out she's Jackie Tyler's ancestor and wins easily. And then shoots the monk, as one does when winning a slap fight.

Back at the old Tyler place (wait, no, wrong episode)... back at the old Torchwood basement, Rose has been swapping ghost stories with the creepy Scotsman ("I was once seduced... but I _wasn't interested_!") until he realises it's past his bedtime, and naturally transforms into a wolf who huffs, puffs and blows the house down. This was universally regarded as a bad idea, except by Doctor Scottish Companion, who snaps out of his funk and tries to seduce the werewolf. It... goes about as well as you could expect, really, and Casanova quickly finds a cage hitting him in the face. Silly Casanova.

Thus begins a comedy Scooby-Doo-style chase, as Casanova, Rose, Vic and Mr. Torchwood (along with his gang of not-so-creepy Scotsmen) are chased through a convenient hallway of identical doors before hilariously all crashing into each other at once and running down the hallway. The werewolf is highly amused and shows his appreciation by killing all the unnamed characters. Silly werewolf.

Luckily, Casanova leads the other three into the library, which is completely impenetrable to the illiterate werewolf because he didn't bring his library card, and the group sit down to a good book (except Rose, who just reads her diary. And seeing as it contains the word "Bad Wolf" about ten times over, followed by two instances of "Torchwood", it doesn't make for a particularly exciting read. So Rose sets about amusing herself by eating, talking loudly and generally disrupting the peace, which gets all of them kicked out.) Silly Rose.

The werewolf chases everyone to the telescope room (every house should have one), and kills Mr. Torchwood before Casanova shines moonlight onto the werewolf... um, and that kills it? I suppose that makes sense... So all is well (except for everyone being killed by a werewolf, of course), and Vic invites Casanova and Rose onto Shooting Stars, but Bob Mortimer doesn't think much of them and they're quickly banished from England (and that completely happens, which messes up Rose's life somewhat). Silly Bob Mortimer.


	4. Batmen Forever!

Today's episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer begins with Giles, who is looking much more evil than usual, is talking to Buffy, who is looking much younger and less American than usual. Oh... ok, Giles just ate her. I think we can say it probably wasn't Buffy, in that case...

Meanwhile, everyone's favourite Time Lord has cleverly disguised himself as Doctor Physics of the Physics Department, investigating an invasion of a shockingly clever child. Clearly this can't be allowed to continue, because it's discouraging the other students, so Doctor Physics tries to baffle him with lots of Phun Physics Phacts (he had attempted it in the English department, but that hadn't really worked). Unfortunately, the brainchild has boned up on misspelt alliteration and Doctor Physics is defeated in the battle of science, thus losing his title of Doctor Physics and reverting back to being plain old Casanova, at which point he runs off to seduce Rose again.

Rose, meanwhile, is serving up tasty goop to all the students and secretly chatting with Mickey on her mobile (you said there'd be aliens (we fight aliens (where the hell are the aliens? (oh, don't worry, I found some)))). Said found aliens turn out to be the ever creepy Head Anthony Head, but he quickly heads out ahead of Rose before she can head him off. And then a dinner lady dissolves, as they are prone to do. Silly dinner ladies.

We catch up with creepy Head Head as he takes a leaf out of Casanova's book and is failing to flirt with a mysteriously familiar woman... a reporter, who claims to be doing a report on the school... a reporter more interested in the bizarre and unexplainable occurrences that tend to plague unassuming educational establishments... a master of getting into trouble, but she's never had to worry because she's always had an alien around to protect her... Seriously, it's Lois Lane, isn't it?

Head Head brings our reporter to the Science room, where Casanova abducts her and takes over the seduction business with some moderate success (to be fair, he'd already done it to her before. It's Sarah-Jane, if you haven't guessed by now, she'd spent ages with him and his massive scarf). Casanova and Sarah-Jane part ways just in time for a brief montage of school ending before night is upon the building and Mickey is there, just for fun. After a quick fight with a frozen rat (the rat wins), the group part ways and Casanova sneaks back to his TARDIS with plans to seduce it, but instead encounters Sarah-Jane again and she realises who he is and they have a tearful reunion. Well, she does, Casanova just keeps flirting. And then they find some goddamn batmen, and the gang flees before Robin shows up.

Back at the old... cafe... which we haven't seen before... At a nearby cafe, Rose and Sarah-Jane bitch about each other while Casanova searches Sarah-Jane's stuff and finds K9, whom he promptly seduces with ease (he's already programmed to call him 'master', it's no challenge). Their fun is interrupted by Head Anthony Head, who's wandering around on a rooftop and glaring at them for no apparent reason. Thus the gang promptly flee again, this time back to school the next morning. Silly gang.

Casanova, having worked out what's going on, decides he fancies a swim and heads off to the pool, but he's headed off by Head Head and they flirt for a while. Unfortunately Casanova's charm fails once again and he storms off, completely failing to fall in the pool OR push Anthony Head into it, which is really a waste of a swimming pool.

Rose and Sarah-Jane continue their bitching from two paragraphs ago as they search the Science Room of Scientific Science (they call it the maths room, but it's way too fancy for that. They have evil computers and everything). They are accosted by the ever-present Head Head, who explains his evil plan with many grand gestures and cackles (I will harness the power of children to TAKE OVER FACEBOOK!) This is naturally unacceptable, so Casanova shouts at him until he goes away and then summons Mickey (he is in a car). Mickey proceeds to drive into the school and smash lots of things to no avail, but a lot of fun.

Meanwhile, one heroic-because-he's-on-a-special-diet boy starts pulling plugs out of the wall and generally sabotaging Head Head's plans, because none of the computers have any kind of internal battery and thus all switch off immediately. The students all escape (yay, school's finished early!) and creepy Head Head heads into the head office and summons his goddamn batmen to... flap their wings at Casanova. K9 decides he's having none of this and fires his shooty laser thing at them until they go away. Silly goddamn batmen.

Everyone runs out of the school (except Mickey, he's still having fun driving around) while Head Head walks into a very obvious deadly acid trap and promptly dissolves like some kind of dinner lady. K9 is naturally caught in the explosion (...which was... caused by the dissolving?) and is then gone forever. Well, until a few moments later when his replacement appears and goes off with Sarah-Jane to enjoy a brand new series... no, he gets trapped in a cabinet for the first two seasons. Silly K9.

And don't worry, Mickey drove to safety and smashed into the TARDIS to drive around, generally annoying Casanova and Rose until he ran out of petrol. They all agreed this was for the best.


	5. France France Revolution

Today's episode kicks off with a traditional Parisian party, and all the traditional screaming and running and zut alorsing that traditionally goes along with that. Traditionally. Unfortunately, before we can get to the exciting part of the party (the cleverly disguised robots are just foreplay), our French lady of the week reminds us that Casanova is both nowhere to be seen and actually pretty appropriate for the setting.

Today's episode kicks off with a traditional non-Parisian spaceship, because when you think "pre-revolutionary French nobles", the next thought is always (51st century spaceship). Said spaceship is suspiciously scarce of any susceptible squaddies, which disappoints Casanova because that's pretty much his thing, and he can't exactly seduce Rose while Mickey's around because the comedy antics keep getting in the way. His mood is lifted by the discovery of a fireplace embedded inconspicuously in the wall (Mickey resists the urge to run into it), and it's lifted further by the discovery of a small French person living inside it (or 'child', I suppose. That'd work). Said French child is unperturbed by the presence of an alien seductionist and massive spaceship in her wall (but then again, there's weirder things to be found in France, such as the French people) and instead cheerfully imparts information about who she is, what the year is, the most strategically defensible part of the city in case of Germans... Silly French child.

Casanova decides that his charm is mitigated by the fact he's talking through a fireplace, and proceeds to lean back casually on a conspicuous candlestick in order to turn the fireplace into a secret passageway. The small French child is once again unperturbed by the alien seductionist taking two months to walk out of her fireplace (but, again, she _is_ French). Casanova realises just in time that seducing her would be wrong until she's at least ten years older, and proceeds to check under her bed for a seducible adult (well, where would _you_ keep one?). Said adult turns out to be both uninterested and also a cleverly disguised robot, so Casanova heads Back to the Future to see what Rose and Mickey have been up to (not much).

After sending his companions on a mission ("go and put out some fires or something, I don't know. We haven't got much plot for you today"), Casanova returns to France again to hang out with his small French child. However, the two minutes he spent on a spaceship equate to around ten years in France (because I don't know, time travel is weird) and his small French child is now a not-small not-child, although she is still French. Despite Casanova's trademark terrible seduction ("so, you're French? Well I'd like to... um... french you. Yeah."), she is seduced and proceeds to, well, french him. And then she leaves without leaving her number or anything. However, Casanova uses his Sherlockian senses of super sleuthing (i.e. asks a guy) to figure of that his not-small not-child not-just-a-friend-anymore is in fact a famous person, because they were the only people worth knowing in the past. And her last name is Fish.

Mickey and Rose, finding the episode to be too calm and safe, stumble on some near-death experiences at the hands of an incompetent robot barber ("a little off the top? _Like your head?_") until Casanova comes back to seduce it. The robot barber, like most robots, is uninterested and runs away. Rose uses her amazing powers of ancient wisdom (that robot didn't know the first thing about barbering (is barbering a real word? (maybe we should start a barbershop quartet (THE ROBOTS ARE GOING TO KILL THE FRENCH WOMAN!)))) and quickly advances the plot past Casanova's psychic pseduction pscene he was so looking forward to, because she feels left out of all the plot.

Today's episode kicks off with a traditional Parisian party, and all the traditional screaming and running and zut alorsing that traditionally goes along with that. Traditionally. We finally get to the exciting part of the party as Casanova jumps through a mirror on horseback (oh, by the way, he found a horse earlier, because why the hell not?). The cleverly disguised robots shut down, because we have an episode to finish and we don't have time for anything more exciting. Silly robots.

Casanova, having broken the connection to the spaceship, resigns himself to a lifetime of seducing women in Europe. Unfortunately for him, little Miss Fish has other ideas and loans him her DeLorean to use to travel Back to the Future Part II, where he reunites with Rose and Mickey (they haven't been up to much). Determined to follow up on his first successful seduction, Casanova heads Back to the Past (the less successful prequel) to kidnap the fish lady. However, since he's terrible at time-travel (as has been established in every episode ever) he arrives after she inconsiderately dies, and the plot says he doesn't get to try again.

Back to the Future Part III, Casanova spends a while standing around being sad, in contrast to all the other times people die around him. Although usually it's his fault, so maybe he's just mourning the missed opportunity. He resolves to make up for it by getting rid of Mickey twice. Silly Casanova.

Oh, and the spaceship turns out to be the SS Fish Lady, because I guess they've run out of names for stuff in the future.


	6. Wheelchairbound Villainy of the Cybermen

The episode kicks off with a mad scientist reviewing his latest project (must be a Saturday). Well, a madman and a scientist to be exact, but the key elements are still there. The scientist, however, has a conscience (always a bad choice when dealing with madmen), so he gets fired. From life. Via electrocution. Just like in the Apprentice.

The TARDIS gang are having a merry old time sitting around laughing, as one does in a gang, when suddenly EXPLOSIONS!, because nothing exploded in the last episode and the universe is getting agitated. They are summarily thrust into a temporal abyss (Casanova likes this) and for all intents and purposes are dead. The universe is quickly overrun with Daleks before folding in on itself and ceasing to exist-

Oh, no, they just went to a parallel universe, ok.

Parallel Earth, as it turns out, comes with only four differences to regular Earth – Pete Tyler is alive, Mickey's grandma is alive, Mickey is gay with a different name (but that's subtext/we don't know that yet), and the Prime Minister is a Batpresident rather than a Spider-Harriet. Rose and Mickey are naturally keen to check this out ("I love Batpresident! He has all the powers of a president AND a rich guy!") and run off to see what they can see. And then Mickey gets idiotnapped. Silly Mickey.

Back at the old new Tyler place, parallel Pete Tyler (unlike regular Pete Tyler) is being very alive and successful, while parallel Jackie Tyler (like regular Jackie Tyler) is being stroppy and unreasonable, and parallel Rose Tyler (much like regular Rose Tyler) is just kind of a bitch. Pre-credit-sequence-madman Lumic is having none of this, and orders paraPete to come and hang out and engage in some wheelchair-bound villainy and maybe get a pizza or something. ParaPete inconspicuously paraglides out the parawindow.

Casanova, as usual, spends his time trying to seduce Rose ("Since we're in a parallel universe, why don't we try some parallel positions... in bed? ...no?") before becoming distracted by the earpods everyone seems to be wearing. Being unable to come up with any innuendo ("I'd like to put my pod in your ear... no, that'd never work!") he instead declares them to be the evil work of an evil man in the name of evil and swears he will destroy every last one. Rose wonders if anyone is going to mention Torchwood so she can put her diary to use. Everyone around her shuffles their feet and realises they have somewhere to be, right now, what do you mean 'making excuses'?

Mickey's idiotnappers reveal themselves to be a rebellion group, because apparently they were hired for the previous story but didn't get there in time. Their leader is none other than paraMickey, a.k.a. Ricky (the multiverse loves a continuity nod as much as the rest of us), and plan to take down Lumic by driving around in their Mystery Machine and acting suspicious ("That'll show him!"). Silly Ricky.

Casanova takes Rose to a party, with a vague plan involving a slow dance and "oh no, you got wine all over your nice clean shirt, why don't you take it off?", which just so happens to be the paraTylers' paraparty. Casanova gets distracted by a shiny computer, so Rose wanders around and tries to fix her parents' marriage. She fails, and crosses 'marriage councillor' off the list of jobs she's qualified to do (which leaves her with 'actress' and 'executive HR manager for the Greater London area'). But she meets someone who works at paraTorchwood, so the day isn't a complete failure.

The day then turns into a complete failure as some CybermenTM crash the party and its various windows. ParaPete laments his decision to hold a party in a greenhouse. The little-seen Batpresident tries to pass a Batlaw, but it doesn't get past the Hulk of Lords and he gets Batkilled (although the CybermenTM are kind enough to pause their murdering while Casanova flirts with Rose ("I'll show you a body of metal... that sounded better in my head")). Luckily Casanova, Rose, and paraPete manage to escape the building, correctly deducing that the CybermenTM can't do anything to hurt them if they just keep moving somewhere above walking speed. Despite this, they get distracted by the appearance of Rebellion Inc. suspiciously driving around, and are promptly (and slowly) surrounded. Casanova tries to win their freedom ("This is a seduction! Listen to me, we're seducing you!") but the CybermenTM are having none of it, and close off the episode with a battle cry they came up with while trying to reboot their computers.

"CONTROL. ALT. DELEEEETE!"


	7. Empty Zeppelin of the Cybermen

The paragang find themselves still in paraperil (what with two-part episodes being what they are). Casanova, having already tried Plans A through to S (all some variation on seduction) whips out Plan T, which involves casually strolling in the opposite direction. The CybermenTM try to give chase, but they soon fall far, far behind.

The gang continue making a slightly faster escape by hopping into the Mystery Machine and acting suspicious (no-one suspects a thing). ParaPete reveals himself to be a secret agent man ("that explains all that secret agenting you did offscreen!") while Rose helps herself to some Scooby Snacks and wonders if anyone is going to mention Torchwood again (they're not).

Rebellion Inc abandon the Mystery Machine for the purposes of sleuthing, and promptly run into a roaming pack of Cybermen, whereupon everyone not played by Noel Clarke completely fails to split up. ParaMickey climbs a fence in defiance and refuses to come down until everyone else splits up, thus dooming himself to be very slowly  
surrounded by CybermenTM. ParaparaMickey (so... Mickey) reunites with the rest of the gang just in case they weren't meant to split up, and they stroll out of the grasp of their pursuers once again.

Casanova brings the group to a lovely hilltop, with a vague plan involving a picnic and "oh no, you got wine from the previous episode's party all over your nice clean shirt, why don't you take it off?", before discovering that Rose isn't a fan of picnics and probably wouldn't be seduced by one. He instead cleverly changes plan mid-sentence ("why don't we have a nice pic...turesque tour of the CybermanTM factory over there?"). However, since tours are only allowed in groups of two, Rebellion Inc have to split up – paraPete and normalRose want to see the factory floor, while Casanova sneaks off to the basement for some fun with Mrs Moore (she's part of the group. Have I mentioned her? She's a woman) and paraparaMickey hangs out with paraparaparaJake on the roof for totally not a date, no sir, not at all, although maybe a little bit actually.

ParaPete and Rose sneak in through the front door by pretending to be CybermenTM and showing no emotion on their face – a mission Rose is terrible at, as she spends the entire time moving her face around more than she has since the beginning of the series. ParaPete crosses 'actress' off her list.

Casanova and Mrs Moore find themselves confronted with an army of sleeping underground CybermenTM (they're like regular CybermenTM, but a slight brownish-grey colour), and cleverly avoid detection by strolling past chatting noisily. And Casanova whipsout another zinger ("I'd like to Mrs More of you!"), which is enough to let a CybermanTM sneak up behind Mrs Moore and kill her. Casanova reacts appropriately ("dammit guys, I was this close!") and then gets taken to their CyberleaderTM, as all aliens should be.

ParaparaparaparaMickey and paraparaparaparaparaJake, meanwhile, are enjoying a beautiful sunset together on the rooftop, followed by a romantic walk into a conveniently empty zeppelin. The zeppelin naturally contains a video feed of the only part of the factory with plot in it (zeppelins make great spies), which turns out to be a plot about how Casanova, Rose and paraPete got captured by the slowest moving villains in fifty years of Doctor Who history. The CybermenTM unveil their CyberleaderTM, and no-one is surprised to see that it's resident mad scientist Lumic, who for some reason is still on life support despite being a brain in a robotic body (presumably to help us recognise him). Lumic proceeds to cheerfully (or as cheerfully as one can without any emotions) stroke his CybercatTM and ramble on about his plan ("Everybody will become a CybermanTM. Everybody, CybermenTM.") before leaving his prisoners alone with a slowly advancing CybermanTM.

ParaparaparaparaparaparaMickey and paraparaparaparaparaparaparaJake decide to intervene by crashing their zeppelin into the factory, while paraPete deflects the CybermanTM with his gadget-loaded wristwatch. Naturally, this makes everything explode just slightly slower than escaping speed, and Casanova, Rose and paraPete escape onto the zeppelin (since neither paraparaparaparaparaparaparaparaMickey nor paraparaparaparaparaparaparaparaparaJake knewhow to fly a zeppelin, they completely missed their crash landing and instead flew off into the sunset. Silly them.

With paraJackie dead, paraLondon in ruin, and Rebellion Inc decimated, Casanova declares it a job well done and happily toddles off back to his own universe with Rose... Wait.

ParaparaparaparaparaparaparaparaparaparaMickey decides to stay with paraparaparaparaparaparaparaparaparaparaparaJake for totally not a relationship, and climbs into the newly renamed Love Machine to go to Paris (TOTALLY not a date, seriously!). Casanova declares it a job well done and happily toddles off back to his own universe with Rose... Wait.

ParaPete, having lost his wife, job and home in the course of an evening, finds out that Rose is actually his dog from another dimension and freaks out a whole lot. Casanova declares it a job well done and happily toddles off back to his own universe with Rose...

Oh, and Ricky dies. I do love a happy ending.


End file.
